


Can't get you out of my Head

by Unimportantgirl



Category: The Grand Tour
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drugs, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 07:01:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22051819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unimportantgirl/pseuds/Unimportantgirl
Summary: Richard finds out something he wished he never found out.(Written from Richards point of view)
Relationships: Richard Hammond/Original Character(s)





	Can't get you out of my Head

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling upset and then this happened. Also, i dont think there are enough Stories in which Richard suffers, so i took to writing one myself.  
> (I might write a second part, if this one does well, but i'm not quite sure yet.)  
> By the way, I'm sorry if theres any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language, but i think i did well.

I was just coming home from a shoot of The Grand Tour, which ran a bit late as it usually did, and I was met with mostly silence when I was entering my home, which was weird since all the lights were on and I heard Diana, my fiancée, rustling around in the living room. Usually she always practically ran to greet me, give me a hug and kiss me. But lately, for about the past week she was cold, distant, barely said hello when I came home, if she was home at all. Some days she just disappeared before I came home and only came back the next day when I had already gone to work.  
Just as I was about to enter the living room, she bumped into me, apparently in a hurry to leave. She seemed startled, obviously she hadn`t heard me coming home yet. „Hello, love “I said and gave her a genuine smile, but my smile quickly faded and I backed away a bit when she just stared at me, not reacting to my greeting. „You’re not leaving again, are you? “I asked and looked at her, a little disappointed. „Stay here with me, please? “I requested with big puppy eyes looking down at her. I knew I wasn’t tall, but Diana was a good ten centimetres shorter than me, had fierce red hair and her eye colour always reminded me of emeralds. She seemed slightly annoyed, but finally sighed and said “Fine, whatever.” before turning around and walking back into the living room, where she let herself fall down onto the couch, turning on the TV. I was still standing in the hallway awkwardly, so I decided to follow her and sat down next to her, careful to not be too close to her, she seemed to dislike that at the moment, for a reason I did not know yet. “So, how was your day so far sweetheart?” I asked quietly, but truly interested and looked at her to see her reaction. I had been afraid of annoying her sometimes, seeing as she was not really the talkative part of our relationship. When we first started dating, that was different. We got along so well and could laugh together for hours on end. We had been together for about five years now, and we got engaged six months ago. But ever since that, she had distanced herself a lot and I often asked her if she regretted saying yes, if she didn’t want to marry me after all, to which she used to smile and assure me she still loved me. I hadn’t asked her in quite a while though, afraid of her changing her mind.  
She looked at me for a second, then turned her gaze back to the tv. “It was good” was everything she said then, which made my heart break a little bit. I scooted a little closer to her, to test my theory of her not wanting to be near me and lo and behold, she scooted away, not a lot, but it was enough to prove my point. I looked at the floor, defeated, sighed and gave her space again.  
For a while it stayed like that, her watching TV, me looking at the floor or at my hands, unsure of what to do now. Soon enough, I couldn’t handle the silence anymore, got up and stormed into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.  
A few years ago, she would have followed me, but now she didn’t even bat an eye. She just kept on staring at the TV. I basically collapsed on the bathroom floor, hands covering my face while I thought about what to do. A small part of me was yelling about how I didn’t deserve her love anyways, how useless I was and that no one could ever love me like she pretended to. My hands went into my hair and started pulling in a desperate attempt to stop that train of thoughts, just somehow making me think of something else, keeping me in reality. After taking a few deep breaths, I managed to calm down a little and thought about what I would do now. The only thig that came to my mind though, was to confront her. So, I slowly got up and unlocked the door, slowly walking back to the living toom, where she had now stretched out her legs on the sofa. I was met with intensely green eyes staring into mine, squinting, then looking away again. I sighed, grabbed the remote and turned the telly off, so she was more or less forced to look at me. “Diana...” I started, but I had not yet thought of what I actually wanted to say. “Talk to me... please” was everything that came to my mind, to which she just reacted with a small snort. “I mean it, please just fucking talk to me, I don’t know what’s going on, why you keep avoiding me, what made you change... You keep hurting me despite all the love I keep giving you. I just want us to go back to our old selves, please just tell me what’s going on, is anything wrong? Are you okay? Be honest, please I’m begging you.” By the time I had stopped talking, there was tears flowing down my check, tears of helplessness.  
Her green eyes met my dark brown eyes again and she sighed, sitting up straight so I can sit down next to her. She still made it very clear that she wanted me to sit at a distance though. So I did, I sat on the opposite end of the couch, when she finally began talking. What I heard made me wish I had never asked. “Look, I don’t see a reason to keep this going on” she started, my heart immediately sunk. “I have been with someone else for a while now, Richard.” And with that, I felt my heart shattering to pieces, my whole world crumbling down now. “I... what?” I asked, my voice breaking as I looked away. “To be honest with you, it’s because ever since you proposed to me, I have felt so pressured by your love, it was like you’re trying to choke me with it. So I went out and found someone to just have fun with, no feelings involved, don’t even know his name. And it makes me feel so good, you have no idea.” She smiled devilishly, as if she was waiting for me to break down fully. And I felt like I was going to, I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs, yell at her, show her how she hurt me, but instead I whispered “This is breaking my heart... I can’t believe I let you down by loving you.” and shook my head. “Please tell me you’re making some sick and twisted joke, please” I begged. When she shook her head no, it felt as if she had stepped on my heart. “But” I paused to think for a second, “maybe we can fix this” I suggested, my head protesting but my heart refused to let her go. “Maybe I could show you a little less love, would that be better?” I looked at her with pleading eyes, but she responded with a stone-cold face “Don’t show me any love at all. I have not loved you for a very long time, even before you proposed. I was just playing with you, wanting to have a little fun” Tears filled my eyes again, looking back at her. “Truth is, I don’t care about you. No one does. You may be under the impression that James and Jeremy are your mates, but they just see you as an annoying little ankle biter who can’t shut up for the life of him” she spoke calmly, but she knew her words hurt me immensely. “But... Diana, I care about you... so much” I sobbed, still hoping this was some sick prank, but fearing and knowing that it was not. “I actually thought we would be getting married, you know? I love you, please don’t do this to me.” Somewhere inside, I knew that I had deserved this though. I was such an idiot for actually believing all this could be real, it was way too good for me. I curled up on the sofa, silently sobbing, knowing she was watching me and that she was probably satisfied with herself. But instead, I now was met with a harsh tone. “Stop being such a fucking cry-baby, Richard. Jesus man, you’re 50 years old and behaving like a child that’s not getting their favourite toy. Grow up, for fucks sake.” I winced, as she was shouting by the end of the sentence. She was right, I was behaving like a child. But all I could feel was pain, physical pain all over my body. I sobbed loudly, wishing, hoping, praying and begging that the pain would stop. “Please make it stop hurting, I can’t take it” I cried, to which she was just responding with a laugh. “You’re so pathetic, Richard” and with that, she left. Left me to roll up in a ball and sobbing my heart out. I fell asleep after some time, I didn’t really notice when, but when I woke up, I felt empty, I also had a massive headache from crying. I felt physically weak, only one thought occupied my mind: Not wanting to be alive anymore. I had struggled with that desire for quite a while before I met Diana, she seemed to mend the pain in me, only to leave a bigger hole in my chest than there was before. So I resorted to the only solution I had known before meeting her: drugs and alcohol. Luckily for me, I always had a shit ton of gin and vodka at my place, but sadly I had not been buying anything drug related since I met... her. So I dragged myself off the couch, the only thought in my mind now was to get drugs.  
I returned maybe an hour later, feeling victorious with the little bag of Marijuana in my pocket. I turned to drinking and smoking joints for what felt like an eternity, could have been a day but it very well could have been several weeks, I did not know. This seemed to at least numb the pain, but it did not bring my thoughts to a halt. Every waking minute I spent thinking about how I should kill myself, starting to plan it but discarding all the ideas I had. And then, I kept on drinking. Smoking, both joints and normal cigarettes. After a few days I had started putting the butts out on my skin, hissing at the pain but knowing I deserved it.  
I also ignored every call I got, didn’t respond to any texts and only left my house at nighttime, wandering around the streets, not knowing where to go.  
Often enough I found myself on top of very high buildings, sitting on the edge and my legs dangling off it, a bottle of Vodka and small collection of various pills with me. I had wanted to jump more than once, I also had purposefully started fights in hopes that one of them would just beat me to death. No luck at all though. I always returned home so far, whether I wanted to or not. But one thing stayed the same, as much as I hated to admit it. I still missed her a lot.  
I spent a lot of my alone tie thinking about how I easily I could have died back in 2006, when I had my car crash on Top Gear. More often than not, I had wished it killed me, now more than ever. I had thought about calling James, since I was a lot closer to him than I was to Jeremy, but I wasn’t sure if he’d understand me now. He’d probably think I lost my mind, which I had, but I was sure it would end up with me not returning to The Grand Tour, which was the only thing I had not given up on yet, I was desperately clinging onto the fact that there was at least a little structure when we filmed. With that thought, and a bottle of Gin in my arms, I fell asleep on the couch, only to be haunted by nightmares.


End file.
